Our therapists at Affordable Counseling Center in Brandon, Riverview & Tampa, Florida teach these communication skills to our couples who see us for couples counseling, couples therapy, marriage counseling & marriage therapy.
Talk to each other. No matter how well you know and love each other, you cannot read your partner’s mind. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger, or resentment. It takes 2 people to have a relationship and each person has different communication needs and styles. Couples need to find a way of communicating that suits their relationship. Healthy communication styles require practice and hard work. Communication will never be perfect all the time. Be clear when communicating with your partner, so that your message can be received and understood. Double check your understanding of what your partner is saying.When you talk to your partner, try to:
set aside time to talk without interruption from other people or distractions like phones, computers or television
think about what you want to say
be clear about what you want to communicate
make your message clear, so that your partner hears it accurately and understands what you mean
talk about what is happening and how it affects you
talk about what you want, need and feel – use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I need’, ‘I want’ and ‘I feel’
accept responsibility for your own feelings
listen to your partner. Put aside your own thoughts for the time being and try to understand their intentions, feelings, needs and wants (this is called empathy)
share positive feelings with your partner, such as what you appreciate and admire about them, and how important they are to you
be aware of your tone of voice
negotiate and remember that you don’t have to be right all the time. If the issue you are having is not that important, try to let the issue go, or agree to disagree.
Non-verbal communication
When we communicate, we can say a lot without speaking. Our body posture, tone of voice and the expressions on our face all convey a message. These non-verbal means of communicating can tell the other person how we feel about them.If our feelings don’t fit with our words, it is often the non-verbal communication that gets ‘heard’ and believed. For example, saying ‘I love you’ to your partner in a flat, bored tone of voice, gives 2 very different messages. Notice whether your body language reflects what you are saying.
Listening and communication
Listening is a very important part of effective communication. A good listener can encourage their partner to talk openly and honestly. Tips for good listening include:
Keep comfortable eye contact (where culturally appropriate).
Lean towards the other person and make gestures to show interest and concern.
Have an open, non-defensive, fairly relaxed posture with your arms and legs uncrossed.
Face the other person – don’t sit or stand sideways.
Sit or stand on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the other person.
Avoid distracting gestures such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, or tapping your feet or fingers.
Be aware that physical barriers, noise or interruptions will make good communication difficult. Mute telephones or other communication devices to ensure you are really listening.
Let the other person speak without interruption.
Show genuine attention and interest.
Use assertive statements like ‘I feel…about…’, ‘What I need is…’.
Be aware of your tone.
Be prepared to take time out if you are feeling really angry about something. It might be better to calm down before you address the issue.
Ask for feedback on your listening from the other person.
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